Welcome.  This blog will serve as both a way for my family and friends to see how I'm doing when I maybe don't feel like talking or I don't check in like I should and also as my journal since I hate hand writing things because I get so long winded and then I end up with a sore arm. 

As many people know, I am having bariatric surgery to help me lose weight.  I've gotten a lot of positive comments from friends who are super supportive and excited for me and then there are the others who are quick to judge and feel that this isn't the way to go.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion and this isn't the way that everyone should go about losing weight.  I don't get upset or angry about the negative opinions and I know that it is probably just the beginning. 

This will likely be a long post because it is my first and I have so many things running through my mind this morning.  I've been reading a lot of other blogs by people who have taken this journey and they have caused more questions than answers but I think that is a good thing. 

I've been horribly emotional this past few days.  I'm not sure if that is because this journey of almost a year so far is really just beginning or if it is because I have fears about the future or what it is.  I know, if I have fears, why am I doing this?  Well, it's not the kind of fear you would think of.  I'm not scared of the pain of surgery or the risks, I'm fearful of the person I will become and the changes in my social groups and the risk of losing friends.  I'm fearful of not being the "funny girl" who is able to joke and laugh at things.  I'm scared that I won't be able to buy clothes that I like or that I won't fit in at family gatherings because I will be the one eating a tiny amount while everyone else is loading up on seconds or that people will just not invite me out for lunches or dinners because I "can't eat".  Sounds silly, but for some people, this is what happens. 

I am excited too because I know that soon I will be able to jog and then eventually RUN again.  I will be able to ride in an airplane and not have to sheepishly ask for a seatbelt extender.   I will be able to fit in cute clothing and will be able to look at myself in the mirror, and instead of feeling like a fat failure, I will be in awe of how far I've come.  I will be able to sit on my husbands lap again and will be able to cross my legs.  I will be able to ride a bicycle and go for long walks with my dogs.  I will be able to fit into a booth at a restaurant or bar and won't feel wedged in or fearful that I won't fit at all.  I will be able to use a public restroom (ok, not really a bonus), but I will be able to do it without worrying that the toilet isn't going to fall off the wall.  I will be able to put on my shoes without breaking a sweat and having to hold my breath.  I will be able to wear a pretty dress and see my husband look at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.  I will be able to live again. 

Now, to those of you who will say "she's taking the EASY way out of weight loss" I want to point out the risks and then you can tell me if it is still something you feel is EASY.  The surgery I have chosen is the roux-en-y gastric bypass surgery.  This comes with the normal surgical risks of excessive bleeding, infection, blood clots, pneumonia, not being able to do it via laparoscopy, the risk of the anesthesia, and much more.  This operation specifically re-routes your intestines, re-sizes your stomach, reduces the amount of calories and nutrients your body absorbs, runs the risk of dehydration, can lead to bowel obstructions, limits the foods you can eat, and is not by any means fool proof.  I must still exercise and I must still choose healthy foods to eat.  This isn't a cake and cheeseburger and still lose weight diet.  It is a "go ahead and eat some cake and suffer the dumping syndrome and be miserable" diet.  It is a week and a half of pain from a major operation and then working for the rest of my life to reach and maintain goal.  Easy?  Not a chance.  That is the one opinion that I am NOT ok with. 

I have tried losing weight the regular ways.  Weight watchers, the gym for over a year and six days a week for no less than an hour and a half a day.  Counting calories.  Starving myself.  Nothing helped me lose any significant numbers.  What I did lose, I put right back on. 

I have to say, I have been in the program for almost a year.  I started this last December and the psychological evaluation is what stopped it for me and made it a longer process.  My therapist did not feel that I was a good candidate at the time and I was pissed.  Little did I know that what he was actually giving me was a gift...the gift of time.  Time to research more.  Time to learn.  Time to prepare.  Time to gather recipes and talk to previous patients and to make sure I was ready for this extreme change in my daily life.  There isn't a single day that this surgery won't affect me and the way I live. 

I should be taking my "before" pictures.  I just can't bring myself to get in front of the camera wearing only my underwear and a smile.  It is hard enough seeing myself in the mirror, but to have a photo of myself?  Ugh.  Not a pleasant thought.  I will get it done, but I'm not thrilled. 

I meet with my surgeon next Tuesday, the 19th of November, at 11:15 am.  I am beyond nervous.  Is he going to want me in my unders and a paper gown?  Will I have to let a man see me without clothing on to cover up my body?  OMG, I rarely, if ever, let my own husband see me that way.  So vulnerable.  I know it is another necessary thing I've got to do if I want to forge ahead so I will just suck it up and do it. 

I am inviting you, if you're reading this, to follow my progress and my journey.  I will continue to post as I have information or inspiration or even a bad day.  I hope you'll leave comments and I hope you'll be fair and kind. 

OK, this is all I've got for now.  I will always be CODY.  I will just be a better version of me.  :)

Hugs and love.